Monday, May 20, 2013
Dominant women get an unfair rap. Women in general get an unfair rap, but so do men, but Dominant women get as an unfair rap as submissive men. Dominant women, after all, hate men. They're ball busting bitches who worship some femme deity and secretly wish all men were worms they could crush beneath the stiletto heels. Submissive men are weak and pathetic. They are sniveling little cowards who are probably gay and just don't know it. This seems to be the mainstream opinion. Fetish means people in leather hoods, piercing each other and pretending they're vampires and doing other weird things.
Is it any wonder I treated my desires as an embarrassing secret that existed inside me for so long? All the role models I could find were despicable. It's only been because of the magic of the internet and honest blogs that I've come to understand that most people have their little fetishes, and nearly all relationships have little issues with control. Even vanilla couples have their little control scenes. Maybe he likes to be on top. Maybe she likes it when he gets a little rough. Maybe he likes it when she bites his nipples. Maybe she likes seducing him into a frenzied state.
I've been Dominant before, and I've played with a friend and I can tell you A. I wasn't dressed in leather. B. I didn't pierce her or apply clothespins or hang her from the ceiling from her nipples and C. it was exciting as hell and when it was done, we went out to dinner and chatted like the old friends we were.
We were normal. That's all there was to it.
I've now had an opportunity to be submissive, and it was the same wonderful experience, perhaps better, because it felt like a more natural state for me to be in. In both cases there was an intense current of power being exchanged between us. As a Dominant, I knew exactly what to say and do to press her buttons, and when I did, she sank like a rock into submission and thrilled us both. As a submissive, I felt exposed, nervous and absolutely wonderful, because she seemed to know just what to say and do to drive me crazy. I felt as if she were reading my mind, as if she knew me.
But in both cases what made the current possible was intimacy and trust. For any relationship, these are powerful things.
I never trusted my wife enough, never let my guard down long enough to confide in her. I didn't let her know what I needed, because I was busy hiding it from myself. My marriage suffered for it. This is not to say that our marriage wouldn't have ended, but in some ways I'm a more honest person today because of the mistakes I made with her. I've forgiven her for her part in the ending of our relationship. I had an opportunity to tell her that earlier this year. I also forgave myself for my part. It was clear to me though that she had not forgiven herself. I wish I could help, but it's not my place.
Do I really want a Mistress that is cruel and harsh and unloving? No. I want a woman that I trust and who trusts me. Within that trust we may find that she does things (and that I want her to do things) that appear to be cruel and harsh and unloving, but we will both know the truth. Love, trust and intimacy will allow her to be all she has ever wanted to be, and allow me to be all I have wanted to be, and will allow us to be better together.
Do I really want a Mistress that is anything less than female? No. Why would I want a woman who wasn't soft and emotional and sweet and confusing? I wouldn't, and I don't. I may be submissive, but I'm still a man. I still like the chase. I still like a woman who smells, dresses and behaves like a woman. Why would I want to serve her if she was anything less than womanly?
Real dominant women get a bad rap, but the world, she is a-changing. What I write is all fantasy, and sometimes some of my fiction goes to an extreme level, but I know the difference between fantasy and a flesh and blood person smiling at me. I will always objectify women. I can't help it. They're beautiful, but I know how to get past their wonderful figures to the mind and heart and soul that drives them. I'm still learning, but I'm getting better.
Here's something I've learned. It's not about what you want; it's about what you can provide. This is something a Dominant woman taught me recently, and believe me, my first instinct was to rebel and refute and disagree, but instead I shut my mouth, swallowed my pride and paid attention.